2010 was a pretty big year for me. I got rid of a lot of baggage and clutter from my life, and finally managed to find my way onto a better path in life, one that I think is going to take me amazing places.
I learned a lot about writing and probably one of the most significant things is the importance of calling myself a writer and how wonderful it feels when others introduce me to people as “my writer friend.” Name-calling is oddly meaningful.
The act of becoming the person I’ve always imagined myself to be has been downright earth-shattering. As my entire world crumbled around me, while it was incredibly painful, it was also wonderfully liberating. The realm of things I no longer wanted in my life, ways in which I could no longer bear to define myself, slipped away, or crashed to the ground like a broken glass, irreparable. I had choices, like: sweep it all under the rug and build a new self on the crumbled foundation, or, what I actually did, which was demolish the rubble into dust and plant some seeds, which will need to be nurtured as I mature in the definitive act of becoming someone I like.
Such a simple, silly thing, liking oneself, isn’t it?
This brings me to the obligatory New Year’s post. Most times, on December 31st, I’ve felt completely alone, even when I was married to the d-bag, even if I was dating someone, I’ve felt isolated and cut off from the world, in my own little corner of the world. It’s been heart-breakingly lonely, and many times, I’ve preferred this isolation for ringing in the new year all alone, in a crusty old apartment with my kitties.
This year was different. I have an amazing support system of family and friends in my life, and this year, I really felt it. I’m not simply speaking of this one single day of the year, but year-round: I have noticed something special in the relationships I have with my family and friends. I am so very lucky to have great parents, wonderful siblings, and more friends in my life than I have ever thought possible.
And as I gathered around a TV with a group of dear friends, watching the countdown to midnight and the new year, I didn’t think of loneliness, I didn’t think of the bitterness of being single, or any of that old selfish “poor me” bullcrap. I thought about how lucky I am to have lived this long, to have all these wonderful people in my life, supporting not only myself, but each other, through ups and downs, marriages and divorces, successes and disappointments, and everything else.
To all my friends and family, as we turn the page on a new calendar year, I adore you, and I hope that I have been at least a fraction as supportive to you as you have been to me. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have uncovered my self-esteem underneath the pile of rubble that was my life, before I demolished those negative things cluttering up my world.
I look forward to so many more adventures, laughter, tears, successes and dealing with pesky failures that somehow we’ll turn into wins. Alone, I am fearless. I have overcome so much pain and hardship and I’ve done it alone, because I didn’t realize I was so gifted in friendship that I didn’t have to struggle through it by myself. Now that I realize this, I know that we can get through anything, even if it seems to difficult to bear. I don’t have to be fierce in my independence when things get rough because I have this amazing support system, and together, we are mighty.