I have one last post to make for December, if I’ve counted right, which I honestly haven’t bothered to do at all, nor am I going to. To me, there has always been something a little off about December. The best part, and I might as well start with the good, is of course getting to see family. Even if I don’t hold much to the reasons for getting together, fuck it, they are far better excuses than, say, a funeral.
I think there is always a bit of a letdown to a buildup. Even lessening any kind of expectations doesn’t really seem to soften it, too much. But I am not sure I want to continue that line of thinking, not at this moment. I’d rather just move on, which brings me to my next thought, which was really my first thought. Really.
Why not look back and count up December, make sure I’ve hit this self-prescribed number of posts for the month? Because I am never really about looking back. I always want to move forward, learn more, become more, be better, do more, and do better. Because there is a distinction between “to do” and “to be.” Really. Again, with the really.
I had fun, and I want to have more of that. I got hurt by at least one person I considered a close friend, and I want less of that. Only way I know to limit and push past that hurt is to say goodbye to that friend, or even more simply, just let the friendship become dormant. It happens. It’s not awesome, but if everything was awesome, then awesome wouldn’t be so fucking special. And me? I am pretty fucking special. Like special awesome with cherries, not on top, but underneath, a happy surprise.
Sometimes I speak in riddles, sometimes I doublespeak and twist words about so, so it eases me into any emotional ties, and then back out. I think. At least I think so?
Lucky me, I am about to go to a very small gathering at a friend’s house, a friend whose trust I absolutely earned this year, simply by being there when she needed someone to listen. She knew I wouldn’t say a word about any of the specifics to anyone, and I haven’t. And I’ve told her some things as well. In a way, you could say we have a sort of stalemate or cold war, even, of secrets we’ve shared with each other. But that’s a silly way to think of it, because I don’t think that’s a fair way to look at trust. Rather, I learned that once someone realizes they can trust you, it feels like power, and you know you can trust them back. I am glad to know I have friends like that in my support system, and that really, we help to support each other.
So moving on from that, I go back to work on Thursday. It’ll probably be a whirlwind of craziness since the students return on Monday, which means I teach on Monday. I think I am ready for it. I definitely learned a lot this last semester, and will be tweaking my lessons accordingly, and learning from those re-calibrations for subsequent semesters, should I actually decide to continue teaching. On one hand, it is a lot of hassle, but on the other, it pays for convention trips, and that and the experience gained feel worth the trouble.
I think I am going to try to focus on writing one project at a time for a bit and see how much progress I can make on one of the ideas that has been spinning in my head for awhile. Other than that, if I were to make any kind of goals moving forward, they would just be about kindness, I think, along with learning new things and expanding my network/ support system. I think I just need simple things for awhile, to help me heal any wounds I incurred in the past, while I try not to dwell on how they got there.